Struggling with the “C” word ….

I had so many plans and writing this about cancer was not my plan … I have been looking back through my diary and I had forgotten how much of the farce the whole process of getting my diagnosis was … I first mention my “swollen glands” on the 11th January it is not until 13th January that I see the doctor and he prescribes antibiotics.

I am so hopeful that they are going to sort everything out … I am becoming so self conscious about the lump on the right side of my neck now that I always wear a scarf…

Looking back at the what I have written is so poignant … Jan 18th ” … I am still feeling so crap but I think some of it is more worry than actual physical symptoms…I keep hoping it will go away but part of me knows it is not going to.Boxes I have to tick in order to achieve the end goal – but what on earth is the end goal going to be – that is what is worrying me more than I can mention – more than I want to really think about and yet it is all that I can think about… I am so scared – I worry that I am tempting fate too much by even thinking about it – what danger am I in by writing it down – how dangerous is that ???? Why am I so superstitious… can this change the outcome – just by writing down the words – by admitting I am scared of what this lump might be ….”

 

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