First things first … anyone ever tried uploading photos onto a wordpress blog with a mac … bloody nightmare which is why there are currently no fancy photographs … but there will be at some point I promise…
Today has been tougher that I thought it would be, I have kept myself as busy as I could – I had some hair extensions so try and hide where my hair is growing back and is kind of a funny length. I am told that it doesn’t notice, but I know that it is there and it bugs me, it is like having a bob under my longer hair . Vain and superficial of me I know but hey I have earnt it.
David is away in Namibia having an adventure of his own with a group of equally bonkers friends – they are travelling on motorbikes from Namibia to South Africa over 9 days … The photos ( some of which I have spent the last hour trying to upload to no avail) look AMAZING !!! I am missing him not being here – I am feeling quite isolated and alone at the moment, poor Oskar is having to put up with me on his own … It is just the 2 of us quite a lot at the moment with Lucy at Uni’ in Leeds and David away so much we have become quite the team. An over emotional mum is a step too far for a fifteen year old teenage boy to have to cope with at any time let alone when he is having to cope with his end of year exams as well.
It feels as though I am wound up really tight and that If I relax for a second I am going to burst and then I am going to be in trouble. I just don’t want to open those flood gates… I am not brave enough for that, I just have to plough on coping each day as it comes and try to keep going. Some days are easier than others – I have to try to keep my mind busy and not think about myself or feel anything too deeply because that would be dangerous…. and it scares me. My theory as to why I watch crappy TV dramas is because for that short time I am not thinking … my mind is still … I have some sense of calm… I am distracted.
I read … immersing myself in the stories that I wish I could write but books can be problematic as I don’t want to read anything scary or too sad as that will just set me off. Ohh did I mention the menopause … that is another wonderful thing that my body has decided I should experience !!! It is not as though I am having to put up with much – no saliva in the right side of my mouth; scar tissue tightness in my neck, lymphoedema swelling in my neck as I am a lymph node down, dodgy taste buds, difficulty in swallowing, breathing at night due to throat/nose swelling … hot flushes are a real bonus that I could have done without as is the itchy skin. I have lost track of which symptom could be caused by which issue … cancer/surgery radiotherapy or menopause … take you pick it is all good fun …. NOT.
I can’t even bloody drink …..
I have vented enough for a bit so I am off to try and sleep …